When I was struggling to define who I was and who I wanted to be in this life I was overcome by incapacitating fear and anxiety of what I didn't know and couldn't control. A woman who was helping me through this difficult time asked me what kept the pieces of me together at this very trying time in my life. I couldn't describe it in words and I sat through therapy sessions in silence- not knowing what to say. One day an image of what that glue was sprung out of my insides as an image of this beautiful, strong, loving, caring, kind, and compassionate woman- it was my grandmother. With her warm heart and fierce eyes, she sat there smiling at me with her chin high radiating love long enough to wrap you up, turn you upside down, hug you and squeeze all your fears, sadness, and tragedy into nothing. And all of a sudden it all felt okay.
I saw in my grandmother everything I needed to learn for myself and the kind of love I needed to learn to give myself. I now carry her heart in my heart and I believe this now more than ever. We lost this beautiful woman a few weeks ago and although there was a moment in my mind that felt like all my insides would fall apart, it didn't. Because she lives in me always now. And I know that she lives in so many of us.
I have had the fortune to care for some individuals recently with her same strength, love of life, and unmeasurable gratitude. I thank you nana, and I thank you all who have continued to teach me how to cement the pieces of me together to appreciate most of my living days, love endlessly as best I can, and raise a beautiful little man with my husband- a man I love more than words can describe and who I am incredibly grateful for. That's all I have for words right now.
I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. - E. E. Cummings
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