I carry your heart in my heart

When I was struggling to define who I was and who I wanted to be in this life I was overcome by incapacitating fear and anxiety of what I didn't know and couldn't control. A woman who was helping me through this difficult time asked me what kept the pieces of me together at this very trying time in my life. I couldn't describe it in words and I sat through therapy sessions in silence- not knowing what to say. One day an image of what that glue was sprung out of my insides as an image of this beautiful, strong, loving, caring, kind, and compassionate woman- it was my grandmother. With her warm heart and fierce eyes, she sat there smiling at me with her chin high radiating love long enough to wrap you up, turn you upside down, hug you and squeeze all your fears, sadness, and tragedy into nothing. And all of a sudden it all felt okay.

 I saw in my grandmother everything I needed to learn for myself and the kind of love I needed to learn to give myself. I now carry her heart in my heart and I believe this now more than ever. We lost this beautiful woman a few weeks ago and although there was a moment in my mind that felt like all my insides would fall apart, it didn't. Because she lives in me always now. And I know that she lives in so many of us. 

I have had the fortune to care for some individuals recently with her same strength, love of life, and unmeasurable gratitude. I thank you nana, and I thank you all who have continued to teach me how to cement the pieces of me together to appreciate most of my living days, love endlessly as best I can, and raise a beautiful little man with my husband- a man I love more than words can describe and who I am incredibly grateful for. That's all I have for words right now.

I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart. - E. E. Cummings

(Thank you Annie)

How I got here

When I was 13, I lived with my aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins for a short period of time. That was one of the first times in my life that I felt derailed, lost, detached. It was September and high school had started again. I layed in bed staring at the stucco that would appear everytime the helicopter overhead flashed its lights passed our barred window. Just 20 minutes earlier, I was laying in a similar position, dosing, half-asleep. 3 loud booms blared in my ears after the sound bounced off the metal and screen of our window.
I opened my eyes and called for my cousin in the dark room: "did you hear that?"
Ale: "yea, that was close"
Me: "I think it's at the neighbors house"
Ale: "probably a drug deal gone bad"
Me: "yea, I hope it's over"

A car drove by, rolled down its windows or maybe opened the doors. It could have been either. They opened fire in the direction of our neighbors house. My cousin was probably right. Drug deals happened in that house, a lot of people came and went, when we were younger we played in that yard. This happened frequently. Sometimes the shots were fired at our neighbors, sometimes at a house down the street, sometimes at someone walking down our street.

We woke up to a bullet lodged in the frame of our bedroom window. At that moment, nothing in my life- nothing I had ever seen or experienced would have even allowed me to imagine what my life is like now.
I graduate from medical school in 10 days. In the midst of packing, spending last moments with people who have become cherished friends, I took a moment to think about where my life is right now and I can't ever help but wonder: how did I get here?

30 Something

This is a 30 something woman. 

After attempting to be deliberate and eloquent in my first words to you, I realized that it does not matter that I tell you where I came from, what I've been doing, or give you a story of why I am writing today.

Instead, I will start from now and we can figure out the rest together.

Nothing clears up a case so much as stating it to another person

- Sherlock Holmes in Silver Blaze